But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
