TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
