Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
