We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
