Where is the hickey?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Randomize
