btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
