I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
