Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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