nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
