So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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