I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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