halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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