Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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