Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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