She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
