don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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