i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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