I am puke
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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