I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
