Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
