So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
