u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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