if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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