I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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