I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
