Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
