I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
