so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
