I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
