I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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