just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
