My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
