I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
