I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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