why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
