Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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