Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
