We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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