I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
