I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
