I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I am midnight drunk by noon
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
