she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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