it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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