i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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