it was like his penis was on wheels.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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