Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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