Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
