we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
