Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
