Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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