the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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